New Toys from Apocalypse Popsicle: The Fat Lady Crew
Working for the Bureaucracy of Death, under the official auspices of the Almighty, the Fat Lady comes to sing reluctantly aging celebrities and has-been stage performers into the great beyond by taking their place in the limelight for one final lullaby. Appearing as a hallucination in front of an ailing former starlet, the Fat Lady's underlings will perform a mocking satire wherein the mortal's life is ridiculed. At the proper moment, the Fat Lady will indeed begin to sing, ushering the doomed on to the afterlife.
Many Fat Ladies
In the performance of her duties, The Fat Lady is assisted by two (natural born) demons that are enrolled in a heaven-sponsored rehabilitation program. I say "natural born demons" as to differentiate from those former cherubs in Satan's fallen host. "Natural born demons" were always monsters and represent the flip side of the angel coin; when creating the angels to be hyper-beautiful, He essentially had to dissect all the nasty bits of hubris and ill-intent and toss them aside into the wastebin, Hell. Living in varying levels of filth, violence and depravity the demons were quite at peace with the internal instability of that dark realm. Hell was a miserable cesspool of perverted mutants, yet the inhabitants were content to live in their homeland and act out those nasty attributes that were central to their Godly creation. The brimstone and damnation era didn't come about until Lucifer's revolt, subsequent Fall and the creation of mankind and original sin. For several hundred millenia,it was their home. Until much like the Native Americans, Lucifer and his boys put them out to pasture on a reservation or else conscripted them into labor camps for decades at a time.
Old Testament God was tough on crime. But New Testament Yahweh has grown soft now that He's become a Father. Kids will change a man, it's true. A newborn baby's tiny fingers and little, adorable toes can quickly force the mean streak out of a once lone wolf.
God's new policy is Nurture over Nature (though he can't find a loophole to reverse that original sin clause). So naturally, His generous nature has led Him to fund several metaphysical non-profit groups in an effort to make reparations to those "natural born demons" who have been so oppressed for all those generations that came after the dawn of man. That's when Hell really started getting crowded and rent started skyrocketing. Naturally, the hellbound reservations for NBDs seemed like a good option to many demons in those early centuries.
Melancholy Mollies
Melancholy Molly and Bad Baby Banana are two ill-tempered demons whose naturally performative personalities made them a likely fit as understudies for The Fat Lady. Molly's propensity for self-obsessed depressive ranting and compulsive lying were traits that The Fat Lady could hone for the pre-Afterlife chorus line. A slug-like lemonhead of a beast, she is an amalgam of angelic personality flaws. As is His Divine Right, He just mushed together these essences of disfunction, stuffed them in the equivalent of an airtight jar, and tossed it down into Hell to incubate. Certainly an annonying demon, but hardly evil. Ill-willed, yes. Completely blood thirsty and demented? No. Stamped approved for rehab and paroled from Hell in the late 1800s.
More Mollies
Bad Baby Banana, on the other hand, is a natural slapstick comic. With a big shoe made for kicking ass, he loves to give unsuspecting butts the big banana boot. Unfortunately, following every successful wallop, Bad Baby Banana falls on his own ass. He's only got the one leg, after all. Unlike Molly, God molded Bad Baby around only one unfortunate behavior that was deemed unfit for Angelic composition. Bad Baby Banana likes to laugh when people die. Like farting is funny to children, dying is funny to Bad Baby Banana. But not him dying, you. Anyone, really. "So much left undone," he'd say, choking back a tear, while he visited the newly deceased that were awaiting pre-processing outside the North gate to Hell. Then he'd kick some poor dead sap in the ass, fall down, and just laugh, laugh, laugh. But again, not really evil, just cruel. He is quite aware of his phallic nature and will often wear a hat that makes his head appear quite nipple-like. He enjoys the attention this brings. It amuses him. But still at its root his perversion is of a non-murderous and primarily non-sexual nature, so the Board said he was up for rehabilitation. Released from Hell on Halloween, 1929.
Bad Baby Bananas
The Fat Lady found Bad Baby Banana's talent for debasing others with a "smile" to be helpful in getting through her case files quickly. While BBB can unsettle the most stoic of aging idols reluctant to let loose that mortal coil, Melancholy Molly helps by being overwhelmingly and blatantly more self-absorbed that even the most selfish, delusional former child stars were left speechless. (Shirley Temple Black, the sands are rapidly accumulating at the bottom of the glass. Just some notice, wear something nice. When? Everyday this week sound good? Between 8am and 8pm. That's right. Like Comcast).
Never a fallen angel, the Fat Lady more physically resembles the form of a natural born demon, but with the requisite 33% angelic soul content needed to hold rank in the Bureaucracy of Death. Since her Creation occurred after the Fall, she is not technically a hellion and takes orders from the Big Jew Upstairs.
Toys will be available for purchase soon. Some sooner than others, look for the Fat Lady and Friends Xmas Ornament sampler coming later this week.
Unpainted Blue Fat Lady Crew
