Apocalypse Popsicle

UNDERSEA AGENT - A 14 Piece Plastic Canvas Work

2011-06-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

Each piece of the Undersea Agent Series is meant to both stand alone as well as fit into a larger narrative. The story created concerns a young sailor, shipwrecked and floating upon the mercy of the waves. As he descends into delerium, he imagines himself as a secret agent on a sub-aquatic mission of intrigue and danger. When viewed in order, these pieces tell that story. A handy slideshow has been added for your narrative enhancement.

Box of Fate Memorial Day Special featuring Bert Gatchalian's Custom Fat Ladies

2011-05-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

In honor of all our dead, especially those that died for much less important things than war and the pursuit of defense. The totally sincere staging of these photographs features 4 of the 7 custom painted Fat Lady resin figures painted by Bert Gatchalian for the 2011 Box of Fate. I hope you enjoy these pics and the slideshow on your day off. Everyday is a holiday for the dead and they don't spend their time thinking about you. Do what I do- think about your dead people while at work.

Pre-Orders ship in less than a week
Box of Fate 2011 Still Available for Sale
$130 plus shipping (details in post prior to this one)

Gatchabert Blog Gatchabert Blog Gatchabert Blog Gatchabert Blog Gatchabert Blog Gatchabert Blog Gatchabert Blog
Check out Bert Gatchalian's airbrush skills on a variety of kaiju toys, as well as top-rate illustration and painting at his blog. His continued collaboration with the flavor scientists at Apocalypse Popsicle has proven to be beneficial, despite his diabolical designs on our patented secret recipe for "being nasty" but everybody's looking for that jive nowadays.

EXTRA CREDIT--

This cherub sits on the upper ledge of a 1945 Memorial for "Showfolks of America" -in other words, these graves belong to circus people. The surrounding graves are all dedicated or reserved for the deceased belonging to that diminishing, nomadic menagerie of artists, clairvoyants, and craftsmen. Stars of the Road Show and lowly carneys raising tents, selling tickets, all were now united in equality in the grave. It was beyond the pale and bizarre to think that here at this section of the graveyard, the show still goes on. They aren't buried with their families or in the Jewish section (for surely many were part of the diaspora of Euro-Judeo Gypsy tribes. Showfolk are beyond race. They are beyond equal.

Reserved now for future lion tamers' apprentices and trapeze artists who perform one too many times "without a net", the land was originally reserved in 1918 following a train wreck in Indiana where 86 clowns tragically died in one last skit of comically existential slapstick.
And that's no joke-
Great Circus Train Wreck of 1918

All right, full disclosure on the incident with the cherub at the Showfolks of America Memorial. I was going to end this "extra credit" section with the link to the train wreck site. But as I looked again at the pictures, I was struck by the twisted expression of the cherub's face.

I had already been in this particular graveyard for about 45 minutes as I began to take the first few shot with him in the frame. There had been no ill omens, like that time with the ants and the bat. Late in the afternoon and overcast all day, it had finally started to rain just as I arrived. I wouldn't have minded the rain, but then it cleared up and the sun came out, threatening to kill my sweet ambient light that had been the secret gift of the formerly overcast sky. By the time I got to the Showfolks Memorial, it was once again ideal. Overcast yet bright, the sun that eliminates the shadow.

So back to that disgruntled bastard stooping angrily up there- I'm sure you noticed his unique frilly clown collar. At first thinking this was part of the statue, I approached without hesitation and touched it. Soft and wet, a brighter color red on the inside indicating age and wear from the sun. There are two other flickr photos of this memorial- one from 2008 and the other from January 2009. Neither wear this collar. Also, it was a scrunchie.

I laughed. This is what amuses me- I would have done this same thing had I found a scrunchie on the grounds someplace. There were three types of people who could have done this scrunchie vandalism. It could have been a genuinely bereaved individual who thought this simple addition would bring joy to the circus-folk, whose lives were spent in selling mirth to the masses. Or it could have been a drunk person or listless teenager, which are combined into one possible suspect as they have the same motivations for public vandalism. The third person is someone like me. A moral and fair-minded individual, curious about the way humans view death yet blasphemous about it. A person who enjoys making anonymous public pranks that will be seen later by random people they may not even know. Someone who likes a good idea with a dash of devilish. Let me put it another way: this disrespectful act willfully desecrated the graves of clowns. People like me.

Having finished taking my pictures and depositing the toys back into the car, I re-approached the Showfolks Memorial to take some pictures of the shrine from all four sides. I thought to myself, 'Perhaps I should take that nasty old scrunchie off of that cherub and clean him up a bit.' I occassionally spend an hour or two in the afternoon in a nice graveyard just to reflect on life and jot stuff down in my notebook. However, I am not a goth These sojourns occur about once every two years when not forced into a graveyard for other, less desirable reasons.

Reaching out to grab the damp cloth, a chain on the flagpole just behind me rattled in the wind noticeably. I looked back up the pole, chasing the sound. There was no flag yet waving; it was Saturday on Memorial Day weekend and I'm sure they wanted to keep the flags nice for Sunday and the holiday. Thinking little more than that, I again took hold of the red material and gave a quick yank, up and towards me as to clear the chin.

As I pulled, a pincher beetle jumped out from beneath the scrunchie. The hair tie did not want to come easily and I'd have to really grip it. How many more pincher bugs might be nesting? While considering what to do with my hands, my attention was drawn to the statue's face. He was scowling at me. I could feel him glaring angrily at me with disgust. I ceased my effort to remove the scrunchie. He could be a real Showfolk "tiniest man alive" type of performer whose train-mangled corpse was used to make a concrete statue of an angel. I don't know, but I have some other theories as well.

All pictures here and many more are available at the Apocalypse Popsicle Flickr page-
http://www.flickr.com/photos/apocalypsepopsicle

BOX OF FATE 2011 PRE-ORDER NOW!

2011-04-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

7 glorious Boxes! $130 + $17 shipping US ($35 international)

Limit 1 Box per household. Twins that live together are allowed to buy only one box unless they can prove that they both have girlfriends/boyfriends and are planning on getting their own places. And stop dressing like each other, you're 35- it's creepy now.

Aqua Violet Pearl Old Toby

Featuring the new Judgment of the Snailfather Playset with the Snailfather figure being sculpted by the multi-talented Dustin Cantrell!

One Off Hotrod Frankensnail by Paul Kaiju! (as seen from the rear)

Here's the lowdown:

-- All 7 Boxes will contain toys and Plastic Canvas pieces.

-- One box will be a wicked sweet fine art box with mostly custom paints and Plastic Canvas pieces.

-- All 7 Boxes will contain a custom "Mr. Scratch, Soul Broker" figure painted by the incredible Dustin Cantrell

-- All 7 Boxes will contain a custom "Fat Lady" figure painted by that cool commander of color, Bert Gatchalian

-- All 7 Boxes will contain a Kirkland Jue of Toybotstudios Blog Custom.

-- This year roughly fifty percent of the 7 boxes will feature "Old Toby" Figures.

-- The other half will feature "Judgement of the Snailfather Playsets" - a 6 figure set

-- The "Judgement" Playset features the Snailfather demon, the first Apocalypse Popsicle figure carved by the crazy-talented Dustin Cantrell

-- Magnets. I know how they work. I have applied the Plastic Canvas techniques to the smaller scale.

-- One Off Custom Painted Figures by Paul Kaiju, Leecifer, & Super Secret Guests Randomly Distributed
(no guarantees you'll get a PK or Lee custom)

-- New Frankensnail Mori Katatsumuri Hotrod Version

Boxes are $130 plus shipping.

Holler at your ice cream man!
apocalypsepopsicle@gmail.com

Playtime with Dustin Cantrell's Anklyosaurus

2011-04-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings fine specimens of dignity and taste! I was lucky enough to help Dustin Cantrell with the moldmaking for his awesomely detailed Anklyosaurus sculpt. Dustin is already well known as a smooth artist with the airgun. Once he started sculpting, it was obvious that these two talents should merge. The noble steeds of our infernal stable here at Apocalypse Popsicle Farms wish Dustin the greatest of success in what we're sure will prove to become a toy-making addiction for him. In fact, while we were just sitting around watching rubber cure, I tossed him a few choice snail skeletons and he went berserker on some clay on a new figure to be released in the Apocalypse Popsicle Box of Fate 2011 (pre-order this Friday). More of that later.

Here's a few pictures I took in my yard with the two early casts I got to keep. I poured the orange and green bi-color clear figure myself. In these photos, the two dinosaurs defend their nest, which is a real nest which was abandoned by the ground-nesting birds in my yard. The cat spooked them. And though I didn't let her out for another ten days, they did not return.

http://dustinsmonstershop.bigcartel.com/
Dustin has some awesomely painted Anklyosaurus figures painted up professionally on his big cartel page. Go get one!

The Pamphlet of Schnarfenfigelheim & Origin Story of the Fat Lady Crew

2011-03-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

The Pamphlet of Schnarfenfigelheim is an apocryphal document drafted in the early 6th Century by an advisor to the line of Clovis, which would eventually become the Merovingian Dynasty of Frankish rule. King Theudebert, the grandson of Clovis who first led the Franks to Christianity, was not content to merely be another notch in the belt of the Roman Christian diaspora. Gathering his priests around him, he demanded prophecy, revelation, and strongly hinted that these wise men might include some mention of the inherent divine right of the Germanic peoples. Of all his sages, Theudebert valued the wisdom of the elder Schnarfenfigelheim most. It is in the Pamphlet of Schnarfenfigelheim that the traditional story of Genesis Book 1, Chapter 1 is re-written with a more in depth look at the denizens of Hell prior to the Fall of Lucifer and his host.
The toys I make in the Fat Lady Crew & The Brothers Tingle are inspired by characters from the Pamphlet.

For your consideration, the opening stanza of The Pamphlet of Schnarfenfigelheim:

"In the beginning, God created many curious and irrational things and no one was there to write them all down. In the very beginning, only one irrational thing existed and it was this thing that became the thing known as God. A nest-like vessel of incomprehensible will and creativity from whose bosom sprung the cosmos in all its dust-filled glory, the invention of time achieved in Its infancy, the compulsion to create self-creating creatures was inspired by the loneliness inherent to Its existence.

Carving as if from clay, the elements of perfection…"

The document goes on to describe the inter-connected nature of angels and demons. Angelic perfection was apparently achieved by removing negative personality aspects, while refining qualities deemed appealing. The absence of all negativity turned out to be quite boring, and the solution was to create near-perfect beings with just a tiny bit of morally questionable behavior or personality quirk. For instance, in creating an Angel that embodied rhythmic intensity and musical motion, it would be undesirable to remove all traces of moodiness or depression from the entity. Such a creature might make beautiful music for spring afternoons, but even God has rainy days.

So, some traces of “undesirable” qualities were needed in the angelic content in order to achieve certain other aspects of “pure” intent. The leftover bits and pieces of God’s magic clay were then thrown into Hell, which at this point in time resembled a large, mystical root cellar wherein the almighty kept his old and forgotten stuff. Within this dark and disused realm, these little balls of discontent gestated into what we would now call Demons. Bitter and malcontent, Hell was a place of abuse and ridicule. But at least it was home.

Things all started to change after the Great Rebellion and subsequent Fall of a large section of the Angelic Host. The story now should seem somewhat familiar. Watching the way God doted over those short-lived and foul-tempered humans, Lucifer and his halo-toting brethren grew weary of their roles as God’s servants and tried to take over the Frat House. Failing in their heavenly coup d’etat, God was reminded of his old hidey-hole and shoved those rebellious louts down into Hell. God liked to forget about what he had left down there.

(Melancholy Molly, the Fat Lady, Bad Baby Banana)

Once the Angels moved in, all the typical gentrification effects began to be felt. Suddenly the Natural Born Demons were second-class citizens pushed off of their home turf and on towards the less desirable parts of town. Sequestered in ghettos by the Angels, the NBDs were taxed, manipulated and oppressed. Some found favor as hatchet men and lackeys for the devils with wings. It was, in short, a most brutal colonialism.

The light seemed to grow ever dimmer for the foul and disgusting demons. Would they ever find a champion to rescue them from their oppression? Could a God dark enough in desire to create abominations in order to also create beauty possibly be merciful enough to see Its own responsibility? Indeed.

But it wouldn’t be until several hundred years after the Crucifixion. Having spent a bit of time getting a feel for the place after the Resurrection, Jesus decided heaven was badly in need of some social reform. Convincing the almighty of this proved to be quite a task, but the Prince of Peace was able to subdue the Wrath of the Father and a rehabilitation program for suitable demons was put into place. If a demon was deemed worthy of rehabilitation, he was to then be placed with a mentor being at a position with the inner bureaucracies of creation. The demon would then be put to use serving the larger clockwork of the system and could be monitored for possible further placement or marked as a failure and destined to return to Hell.

(The Brothers Tingle, Wayne Jr, Itchy, Peeper)

Chosen to review the parolees was a peculiar entity known as the Fat Lady. Created after the Fall, the Fat Lady was a demon plucked from Hell and put to God’s surgical knife in order to attach the essence of angelic strength to a fully formed demon’s soul. Intended as an intermediary figure that would run errands down to Hell for God, the Fat Lady held a privileged place in creation able to freely span the planes of existence between Hell, Earth, and Heaven. The Fallen Angels despised her and treated her poorly upon her visits. The NBDs saw her as the shooting star, the hometown kid making it big. Rising up from Hell, being changed by the Creator to become something better, something stronger. Her relationship with the NBD community seemed like a perfect fit for administering the NBD rehab program.

(Mr. Scratch, Soul Broker)

Keep your eyes peeled for two more additions to the toy line coming soon in the Box of Fate 2011.

Google Translate Hip Hop Art Rock

2010-12-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

G-Translate Falafel Rap

Download available here: http://www.divshare.com/download/13456125-4c2

I was inspired by the reddit.com article on how to use Google Translate to create a beatbox like effect.
Using German to German translation and vowel-less syllables, the original poster made a simple beat with a break near the end. Here's that original post:
Reddit Beatbox

One of my side projects is a Hip Hop Art Rock Collective known as P.O.W. or Prisoners of Whiteness.
Using Google Translate to try and hack together hiphop is a very square idea for a hepcat like me, but that's the point nowadays. (Where are my Buddy Holly nerd glasses?) But it fits into the P.O.W. collective's forthcoming E.P. quite well as a non-sequitur.

So without further ado, here's my method:
1 part German to German, edited mildly from the reddit.com post
1 part Chinese to Chinese(Traditional)
1 part Norwegian to Norwegian
1 part Rhyme, straight English to English

Mix well and fade out.
Bake at 350 degrees.

HALLOWEEN SPECIALS AND NEW TOYS

2010-10-20T17:47:00.001-07:00

Halloween Exclusives are Here!
All of them are available at the brand spanking new and html-challenged http://www.apocalypsepopsicle.com

We’ve got three different sampler packs for $25 each, the new Brothers Tingle set in its first release, as well as the brand new Mr. Scratch. Mr. Scratch is God’s favorite Soul Broker and the Director of the Bureau of Faith and Fear, one of the institutional pillars of the larger Bureaucracy of Death. The Brothers Tingle are his re-habilitated demonic work crew- Itchy, Peeper, and Wayne, Jr.

Brothers Tingle- Candy Corn Glow-in-the-Dark Edition
Limited to 2 sets

9 Total Sampler Sets are available evenly divided between Sets A,B, & C.

Halloween Sampler A
Limited to 3 sets of Sampler A.

Mr. Scratch GID unpainted
Limited to ten per year, released for Halloween

Mr. Scratch – Pumpkin Patch Fiend
Limited to 3. Two-pour resin-dyeing process.

ENDING RADIO SILENCE

2010-10-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Greetings fellow post-nuclear vermin! The interruption in our broadcasting this summer has finally ceased following countless hours of litigation. Censored by the government, shackled by the social constraints of family, and temporarily detained by the siren’s song, Apocalypse Popsicle is back online. Rejoice! For the line shall continue to blur and the beasts will not gnash at their fearsome bits now that they smell the meat.

The graceful reader will be encouraged that the staff here have not been idle in their seclusion. Apocalypse Popsicle took part in a couple of group shows this summer. This early summer AP had several pieces in Dragatomi’s Not Vinyl show. Dragatomi is located in Sacramento, CA and the Not Vinyl show focused on the emerging DIY toy scene. Artwork on display was in a variety of mediums: resin, paper, clay, metal, cardboard, etc. There are pics of my stuff from the Not Vinyl show a couple of posts down from this one and on the flickr page.

The ending of the season was capped by the Toxic Catalyst show at Super7 in San Francisco, CA. This was another show focusing on the emerging DIY scene, but it leaned heavily towards the homemade resin and mold making aspect of DIY making toys. The show was put on by the MonstreHero guys, Cliff & Sean. Thanks for putting me in the Toxic Catalyst group! This show was awesome and I really have to thank Super7 and Skullbrain for their continued support and inspiration. Here’s a pic or two from that show:

On a more personal note-
The top picture in the post is of me at my engagement party. My girlfriend and I are finally taking the plunge. Who knew 7 years of dating would lead to marriage?

HALLOWEEN TOYS COMING TOMORROW

Rambo versus the A-Team

2010-06-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

Rambo versus the A-Team 12"x7"

Rambo vs the A-Team is one of the main pieces in my World War 2 Plus 2 set of pictures focusing mainly on Nazi/G.I. combat as represented in Silver Age comic books. Other eras are used, but the richest content is from the olden days. This piece is not for sale at this time.

Here's another piece from a series called Undersea Agent. There are ten completed pieces in this set with two more in process. This piece also not for sale yet.

Undersea Agent: Nemesis 12"x"7"

Detail:

Van Gogh's Apprentice 6"x6" -$80

Detail:

The Stalker 6"x6" -$80

Detail:

As you can see the last two pieces ARE on sale. If you'd like more choice please check out my NEW FOR SALE SET ON FLICKR
You can find it over here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/apocalypsepopsicle/sets/72157624179314300/

R.I.P Barry Coleman

2010-05-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

Our dear friend and ally, Gary Coleman has passed away from a brain hemorrhage at the age of 42. Gary struggled with fame more than most child stars. And unlike most child stars, he really didn't deserve a lot of the abuse the tabloids threw at him regularly.

His forever boy-like features were a public display of our communal inner child, the accumulated wrinkles on his face reflecting even more so the horrors and tragedies of time's passage that so inevitably taint our former innocence.

In honor of Gary and in homage to the RIP Keith Ledger video, I present to you a short montage.

Here's the link to the original RIP Keith Ledger video. The song for this one has since been removed due to copyright. The original song was "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter.
If you play the Powter video from 1:53 and turn off the volume on the RIP Keith video, you've got the original copyright-violating version. It is way more funny with the original song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZrpiEFXIgc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg

Dragatomi Not Vinyl Show Toys For Sale NOW

2010-05-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

Sacramento-based gallery and toy store Dragatomi had their Not Vinyl show on May 8th. I had a few pieces in this show and I'd like to thank Joanne, Ray, and Lee Gadja for all the support in getting my stuff up in the gallery.

Dragatomi has recently put up all of the pieces from the show. Here's some links to my pieces for sale:

Apocalypse Parade Mixed-Pour Set
http://www.dragatomi.com/servlet/the-1421/Apocalypse-popscicle-Parade/Detail

Neon Lagoon Old Toby
http://www.dragatomi.com/servlet/the-1418/Apocalypse-Popsicle/Detail

Sir Begs-A-Lot, opaque blue
http://www.dragatomi.com/servlet/the-1419/Sir-Begs-Apocalypse-Popsicle/Detail

Sir Begs-A-Lot, pink/aqua clear
http://www.dragatomi.com/servlet/the-1420/Apocalypse-Popscicle-Sir-Begs/Detail

I'll Never Be Like You Dad! sold

Kong, the Untamed sold

Introducing Sir Begs-A-Lot

2010-04-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

Sir Begs-A-Lot is an amphibious two-headed dog-pony. Old Toby's little brother, Sir Begs-A-Lot has many of the mannerisms that you would expect from someone like him. He begs for food a lot, though he can't seem to stop his two heads from fighting with each other. Despite the fact that both heads share one stomach, the brain wants what the brain wants.

More on the story of Old Toby and Sir Begs-A-Lot coming soon. For now, here are some pretty pictures:

Ponies in Space!

Ponies on Earth fleeing the invaders!

ponies on my desk

Here's a sneak peek of the first official Sir Begs-A-Lot release. Sure, I had a few at Wondercon but only two sold that I know of and a third was for sale at Dragatomi's booth. I don't know if it sold, but the other two are in the illustrious hands of Connell, the plastichunter, and Skinner the frikkin' man-beast. You too can join these ranks! We march on Pennsylvania Dutch country upon the first amber rays of the dawn!

From the upcoming Unpainted Ponies release. Ten different, figures all unpainted, this release focuses on the application of color to the plastic while still liquid and the ability to manipulate that process. Here's a few:

More info coming soon!

Superman vs. Muhammad Ali & KONG, The Untamed

2010-04-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

WTF #1: Superman versus Muhammad Ali
6" x 6" x .5"

KONG, THE UNTAMED
large square 6"x6", smaller panel 6"x3" These panels are fused together with the liquid plastic into one solid object.

The Blitzkrieg
6"x3", 4" diameter

FEAR: Approved by the Comic Codes Authority
6" x 6" x .5"
Note: I grew the java moss myself in my fishtank

If you are interested in purchasing any of the pieces here, please send me an email for a quote at apocalypsepopsicle@gmail.com

For even more of these plastic canvases, check out the flickr set here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/apocalypsepopsicle/sets/72157623524408917/

Conan at the Koi Pond, also Comic Book Misogyny

2010-04-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

Conan at the Koi Pond 8" x 5.5", 1"depth

Detail:

And now...
Comic Book Misogyny: an examination of violence against women on vintage comic book cover art

In Death's Dark Waters 6"x6", .75" depth

The first in a series depicting extreme scenes of brute force attacks on women played out on comic book covers. While comics are filled with depictions of violence against women (whom are already sexually objectified), some cover art scenes are so aggressive that I find it compelling to catalog them and re-contextualize them outside of the story contained in the comic. The comic as product (regardless of the story's content) is being sold with this image of violence against women as its main purchase point. An empowered female character is still being dominated by a more powerful male. The frequency of these covers in both past and present is alarming. So don't hit the snooze button, I've got more coming your way.

Repercussions 8" x 5.5", .75" depth, director's slate is .25" above canvas surface

Am I also using their misogynistic tactics as a selling point of my work? Of course I am. The images are compelling for so many reasons and while my new formatting may further glorify the original image, my intent is to please the eye for what the mind darkly enjoys while also hoping to spurn some personal introspection into the prevalence and meaning of misogyny in art and popular culture. I am vehemently opposed to violence against women. I am fascinated by its consistent portrayal in popular media. These are questionable images that should make us ask ourselves some questions.

If anyone is interested in purchasing any of these three pieces, please shoot me an email over to apocalypsepopsicle@gmail.com Put the piece you are interested in the title of your message so I don't lose it if it gets sent to the old spam folder.

Check out some more of these canvases here:
Plastic Canvas Flickr

Custom Sets from the BOX of FATE revealed!

2010-03-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

All of the custom sets from the Box Of Fate release can be seen at the flickr page:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/apocalypsepopsicle/sets/72157623311481929/

Here are a few samples of them:

Unpainted Apocalypse Parade

Pumpkin Patch Mixed Custom Set

Fat Lady Crew: Organically Inclined Set

Fat Lady Crew: Dirty Dirt Road Do-Gooder Demons Club Set

Fat Lady Crew: The Nursery Set

Unpainted Pearl Blue/Green Uni-Chan with Navy Dr. Mori Katatsumuri

More pics at the flickr page http://www.flickr.com/photos/apocalypsepopsicle/

thanks to all who helped out and contributed to the Boxes of Fate: toybotstudios, MutantVinylHardcore, Bert Gatchalian and Lil Japan-- all of you are too cool for school and so smooth you're sharp. the response to this release has made me happy and eager to make more
~sfo

Chunks of Plastic Canvas Art from the Box of Fate Release

2010-03-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

Epic (part 1)
approx. 6" x 3"

The High Cost of Fashion
6" x 3"

The Juice Says #1 (3 and 4 of 4 parts)
approx 4" diameter per circular tile

Epic (part 2 of 2)
6" x 3"

The rest of the plastic canvas pieces from the Boxes of Fate can be seen on flickr over here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/apocalypsepopsicle/sets/72157623524408917/

BOX OF FATE

2010-02-14T18:37:00.000-08:00

Five boxes and five boxes only.

The final emergence of the backwater farmbeast known as Old Toby has arrived. Here in the mysterious (and dangerous) BOX OF FATE, Old Toby makes his debut in the Apocalypse Popsicle lineup with 5 Hand Painted versions. The BOX OF FATE also marks the first official release of that Biblical trio, the Fat Lady Crew. Coming your way in five unique sets, the Fat Lady and her two minions, Melancholy Molly and Bad Baby Banana are included in every BOX.

Apocalypse Popsicle is overwhelmingly overjoyed to have three great toy artists take part in this BOX OF FATE release. Toybotstudios has painted five unique Fat Lady figures and Mutant Vinyl Hardcore has painted five unique versions of Mori Katatsumuri (aka the frankensnail). Every BOX OF FATE will come with one of each of these custom figures from these awesome artists. If you’re really lucky you will get the BOX with one of Bert Gatchalian’s custom painted Apocalypse Popsicle toys. These will be randomly placed in the bags, but there are not enough for everyone so maybe you get lucky on this auspicious dual holiday of destiny. Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day all on the same day? The import of such a convergence, I am sure is lost on none of our enlightened readers.

Toybotstudios x Fat Lady -- 3 of 5 total

The Mutant Vinyl Hardcore Header Art

The toys that go with the header- Mori Katatsumuri by MVH

Also included in the Box of Fate will be one additional set of resin toys from my older releases, the Apocalypse Parade miniatures and the Uni-Chan/Mori Katatsumuri. Small mixed sets of three mini-figures will be tossed in a random frenzy. Original artwork will also be in every box and maybe even a t-shirt or two.

$110 + $15 shipping in the US. International shipping via EMS, $35.
email apocalypsepopsicle@gmail.com to place your order.
BOX OF FATE to be delivered on or before the Ides of March 2010 (the 15th).

FIVE BOXES ONLY FOR THIS YEAR. THE VALUE IS ABSOLUTELY INTENSE.

Here's some More Pics
Old Toby -- 4 of 5 total, one mystery beast

Unpainted, two-pour blue and clear-turquoise.

Bullmark King Ghidorah Tribute

With light from below the figure--

Forest Fire Lizard

Poseidon

FAT LADY CREW- Mixed Pour Set

Purple Rain and Piss Bananas

THE BOX OF FATE WILLS ITSELF INTO YOUR POSSESSION.
apocalypsepopsicle@gmail.com to place your order and receive payment instructions.

Many thanks to Mutant Vinyl Hardcore, Toybotstudios, and Bert Gatchalian whose support in this project is immeasurable without looking over the receipts for at least a day.

http://mutantvinylhardcore.blogspot.com/
http://gatchabert.blogspot.com/
http://toybotstudios.blogspot.com/

Nostalgic Punchlines Episode 2: Tuba Snake

2010-01-28T21:45:00.000-08:00

Consisting of bad jokes, classic film footage, and immature soundscapes, the Nostalgic Punchlines series aims to re-contextualize these elements and transform them into a cohesive vision that accents, derides, and celebrates the communal media memory banks of our bastardized culture.

Nostalgic Punchlines Episode 2: Tuba Snake from Apocalypse Popsicle on Vimeo.

youtube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaAJJJNLuGc

Audio samples culled from the following freesound.org contributors: Texas Radio Theatre Company, Connum, junggle, nicStage, Robinhood76, bigjoedrummer, sandyrb, J.Zavurek, and payattention.

Coming next for the Nostalgic Punchlines Films Strip Series: Imperialism! Hilarious!
But before our next installment of that illuminated serial, an SF Oliver Audiobooks original story of creative non-fiction. "The Distressing Contents of Last Season" part 1 to be released soon.

Nostalgic Punchlines Episode One

2010-01-19T03:38:00.000-08:00

Nostalgic Punchlines, Episode 1: "My Mom" from Apocalypse Popsicle on Vimeo.

Audio samples culled from the following freesound.org contributors: Texas Radio Theatre Company, harri, Syna-Max, dataset, KorgMS2000B, Benboncan, jrssandoval, and digitopia. The music that bookends the short is by Texas Radio Theatre Company and is a re-recording of some of the actual music that originally accompanied the films of the silent era. This score is called “Sailor” and comes from the Sam Fox Silent Movie Book. The grainy orchestral section was recorded as an answering machine message via cell phone microphone. KorgMS2000B missed the call, but he now owns two minutes of mystery music; I have used it here to help spread its fame and mystery. It's so badly recorded, you'll be convinced it's an artifact from the annals of audio reproduction.

Nostalgic Punchlines
Episode 1, “My Mom”

It Came From Skullbrain 2: Group Show, this Saturday, January 16 2010

2010-01-13T03:53:00.000-08:00

This Saturday, January 16, is the second annual "It Came From Skullbrain" group custom toy show hosted by the generous folks at Super7 at the Super7 Store and Gallery. The show starts at 7 p.m. and the gallery is located at 1628 Post St, San Francisco, CA.
http://super7store.com/

This is my second year submitting to this show which focuses on the artistic output of the Skullbrain community, an online forum for Japanese toys, art, and culture. Skullbrain is a tight-knit international community of collectors and artists. While the majority of artists and culture discussed is decidedly focused on vintage and current Japanese toys, many other international artists are both fans and participants in this growing niche subculture of art collecting.

This year I am submitting two pieces.

First is an airbrushed M1 Woo featured in the "photo essay" at the top of the post. He is meant to be in the early process of moulting as winter shifts subtly to spring. This Woo is an evolution from a winter coat version that I painted about a year ago. You can see the original as compared to my show submission below.

Winter Wakes to Spring

My second piece for the show has a lot more resin elements included in it. The toy was originally a Secret Base Bagman. I modified it, giving it the head of my mutant Sea-Urchin creature Uni-chan. Sporting a couple of heads on his left hand and a leaky probe on his right hand, he became the Secret Base Muppet Seijin. He has two small buddies which each wear a mask and perform as part of the puppet show. One is a small Doom Penguin with original skeleton glove mask. The other figure is one of my Melancholy Molly figures from the Fat Lady Crew. She sports the original interior vinyl head of the Secret Base Bagman figure.

Both pieces will be for sale on the night of the show and online thereafter should they not sell at the show. M1 Woo- $44 Secret Base Muppet Seijin Set- $70

Here's a pic of my two pieces from the last show. These are both M1 toys from Japanese monster shows that I painted with the airbrush.
These two are dressed to kill.

Christmas Ornament Sets Now Available!!!!

2009-12-15T19:21:00.000-08:00

Each set is $15 plus $5 shipping in the US. $10 shipping to the rest of the world.
I will make sure you get these before December 25th. If interested, please email me at apocalypsepopsicle@gmail.com for availability.
I will mark sets as sold as people order. Thanks.

Set A, 3 Fat Ladies
-Pearl white
-Pearl Red
-Clear Green

Set B, Mixed Pour Pearl Set
-Pearl White Wing'd Rhino, yellow wings
-Pearl Green Wing'd Rhino, pearl white wings
-Pearl White Fat Lady, partial gray wing

Set C, Mixed
-Pearl white, Fat Lady
-Clear Wing'd Rhino
-Clear green Mori Katatsumuri

The Fat Lady Crew: Maintenance Division, Bureaucracy of Death

2009-12-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

New Toys from Apocalypse Popsicle: The Fat Lady Crew

Working for the Bureaucracy of Death, under the official auspices of the Almighty, the Fat Lady comes to sing reluctantly aging celebrities and has-been stage performers into the great beyond by taking their place in the limelight for one final lullaby. Appearing as a hallucination in front of an ailing former starlet, the Fat Lady's underlings will perform a mocking satire wherein the mortal's life is ridiculed. At the proper moment, the Fat Lady will indeed begin to sing, ushering the doomed on to the afterlife.

Many Fat Ladies

In the performance of her duties, The Fat Lady is assisted by two (natural born) demons that are enrolled in a heaven-sponsored rehabilitation program. I say "natural born demons" as to differentiate from those former cherubs in Satan's fallen host. "Natural born demons" were always monsters and represent the flip side of the angel coin; when creating the angels to be hyper-beautiful, He essentially had to dissect all the nasty bits of hubris and ill-intent and toss them aside into the wastebin, Hell. Living in varying levels of filth, violence and depravity the demons were quite at peace with the internal instability of that dark realm. Hell was a miserable cesspool of perverted mutants, yet the inhabitants were content to live in their homeland and act out those nasty attributes that were central to their Godly creation. The brimstone and damnation era didn't come about until Lucifer's revolt, subsequent Fall and the creation of mankind and original sin. For several hundred millenia,it was their home. Until much like the Native Americans, Lucifer and his boys put them out to pasture on a reservation or else conscripted them into labor camps for decades at a time.

Old Testament God was tough on crime. But New Testament Yahweh has grown soft now that He's become a Father. Kids will change a man, it's true. A newborn baby's tiny fingers and little, adorable toes can quickly force the mean streak out of a once lone wolf.

God's new policy is Nurture over Nature (though he can't find a loophole to reverse that original sin clause). So naturally, His generous nature has led Him to fund several metaphysical non-profit groups in an effort to make reparations to those "natural born demons" who have been so oppressed for all those generations that came after the dawn of man. That's when Hell really started getting crowded and rent started skyrocketing. Naturally, the hellbound reservations for NBDs seemed like a good option to many demons in those early centuries.

Melancholy Mollies

Melancholy Molly and Bad Baby Banana are two ill-tempered demons whose naturally performative personalities made them a likely fit as understudies for The Fat Lady. Molly's propensity for self-obsessed depressive ranting and compulsive lying were traits that The Fat Lady could hone for the pre-Afterlife chorus line. A slug-like lemonhead of a beast, she is an amalgam of angelic personality flaws. As is His Divine Right, He just mushed together these essences of disfunction, stuffed them in the equivalent of an airtight jar, and tossed it down into Hell to incubate. Certainly an annonying demon, but hardly evil. Ill-willed, yes. Completely blood thirsty and demented? No. Stamped approved for rehab and paroled from Hell in the late 1800s.

More Mollies

Bad Baby Banana, on the other hand, is a natural slapstick comic. With a big shoe made for kicking ass, he loves to give unsuspecting butts the big banana boot. Unfortunately, following every successful wallop, Bad Baby Banana falls on his own ass. He's only got the one leg, after all. Unlike Molly, God molded Bad Baby around only one unfortunate behavior that was deemed unfit for Angelic composition. Bad Baby Banana likes to laugh when people die. Like farting is funny to children, dying is funny to Bad Baby Banana. But not him dying, you. Anyone, really. "So much left undone," he'd say, choking back a tear, while he visited the newly deceased that were awaiting pre-processing outside the North gate to Hell. Then he'd kick some poor dead sap in the ass, fall down, and just laugh, laugh, laugh. But again, not really evil, just cruel. He is quite aware of his phallic nature and will often wear a hat that makes his head appear quite nipple-like. He enjoys the attention this brings. It amuses him. But still at its root his perversion is of a non-murderous and primarily non-sexual nature, so the Board said he was up for rehabilitation. Released from Hell on Halloween, 1929.

Bad Baby Bananas

The Fat Lady found Bad Baby Banana's talent for debasing others with a "smile" to be helpful in getting through her case files quickly. While BBB can unsettle the most stoic of aging idols reluctant to let loose that mortal coil, Melancholy Molly helps by being overwhelmingly and blatantly more self-absorbed that even the most selfish, delusional former child stars were left speechless. (Shirley Temple Black, the sands are rapidly accumulating at the bottom of the glass. Just some notice, wear something nice. When? Everyday this week sound good? Between 8am and 8pm. That's right. Like Comcast).

Never a fallen angel, the Fat Lady more physically resembles the form of a natural born demon, but with the requisite 33% angelic soul content needed to hold rank in the Bureaucracy of Death. Since her Creation occurred after the Fall, she is not technically a hellion and takes orders from the Big Jew Upstairs.

Toys will be available for purchase soon. Some sooner than others, look for the Fat Lady and Friends Xmas Ornament sampler coming later this week.

Unpainted Blue Fat Lady Crew

White Teacher in a Black School

2009-11-29T13:41:00.000-08:00

White Teacher in a Black School is a book by Robert Kendall, a former teacher in the Los Angeles School District. Published in 1964, the book rose to popularity following the Watts Riots and aimed to show the inequality present in schools primarily enrolled with black students. In fact, the book is credited with helping create standards for high school students in California. However, reading this book in 2009 will give you a different impression. Largely written in the dialect of mid-sixties black students, the text can be seen as a dark (and racist) anthropological vision of race relations in the 60s. Robert Kendall was also an actor in several television series and movies. One notable role is an uncredited turn as "Slave Boy with Pigeons" in the 1956 Charlton Heston classic, the Ten Commandments.

Completely coincidental fact: Robert Kendall died this month on November 12, 2009 at age 82.

This collage re-organizes some of the potent speech in the book while also incorporating images that attempt to tell a new narrative through juxtaposition and correlation. The artwork is on five separate wood panels and is not available for purchase. The other main source for the collage comes from an early sixties issue of the comic book Sad Sack. The rest of the images come from an assortment of print media advertisements and the (now-defunct) Weekly World News. Photo prints available on request.

Also, the cover art is pretty sweet.

Panel 1, Text A:
“Real sudden some big thing zipped across the whole place. Like a red piece of lightin it was. Scared the shit out a me and scared my chick too cause she grabbed me and I grabbed her back.
Panel 1, Text B:
And lookin down at that audience I think them all was as scared as us were. Some kind of funny spooky smoke came from somewhere. Then some kind of real giant spooky thing that looks sort of like the lines of a man’s hed comes fuzzy like thru the smoke.”

Panel 2, Text A:
“He said the blacks should do everything they could to take the whites power away. Hit the whites in the pocketbook he says. Give bizness to black man and not to jew.
Panel 2, Text B:
“Cept when it came to pushin the white man out. Save money and buy houses where white man lives. Go to places where white man eats. March in lines demandin the rights that white man has. All kind of crap like that.”

Panel 3, Text A:
“It was like his face was movin, like when you get mad, and there was two big eyes all red and spittin fire. Scaryer then any monster I ever saw in any movie. Then it started out talking!!!!!!!!”
Panel 3, Text B:
“It had a voice like come from the ded. It said how he had been a slave in Dixie and had been all beat up all the time but when he had given up the terble life he lived and gone to meet Jesus, Jesus had told him that the white man had to pay.”

Panel 4, Text A:
“He said the more blacks in the world, the more there would be to take the power from the whites.”
Panel 4, Text B:
“He had told him that the white man was inferior and the black man was superior. He said the devil owned the white man’s soul and it was right for the black man to hate the white man cause evil nasty blood was in his vanes."
Panel 4 Text C:
“Then there was a sound like thunder and that old spook shouted to KILL THE WHITE DEVILS. The spazzes started shoutin it and kept it up like some crazy chant. My chick starts cryin and I dont blame her. I wants to cry too. Its all so dam nutty.”

Panel 5, Text A:
“The orchestra comes up out of the floor agin playin that battle him agin and everbody was stompin and hollerin and carryin on like they was mad. The spook goes back to where he come from and the old curtin falls down on the stage. The spazzes start movin out, still all whipped up. I sort of just stood there, feelin funny, while my chick went on cryin, till that hell hole was empty. The lights went out finely. But I still waited a piece cause I didnt want no crazy nigger killin my chick cause she is white.”
Panel 5, Text B:
“At last we sneaked out a that old rat hole and I nevah want to go consortin with the devil agin!!!!!!!!!!!!”

EXTRA CREDIT
History of Sad Sack:
Sad Sack Wiki
Robert Kendall's hometown obituary:
Battle Creek Enquirer, Robert Kendall RIP

Apocalypse Popsicle Printable Postcards

2009-11-21T21:56:00.000-08:00

How to print these postcards in Microsoft Word:

First save the back of the postcard image (located below this text) and print it out on the back of the paper you will be using. This is only if you want to give me credit for making these images. Please do this by placing the image into a blank Word document. Place the image into the document twice, one above the other separated by one line. By printing the reverse side of the document first, you avoid the ink smearing you might experience by doing the Front side first.

Save the front Postcard images to your computer and import them into a normal blank document. You will need to re-size the images using the Picture Toolbar. Maximum dimensions for US Postage postcard rate stamps (currently 28 cents) are 6" x 4". Minimum dimensions are 5" x 3.5". For the Revolutionary Rabbit image, you will have to use the Picture Toolbar to rotate the image in order to fit both images on one 8.5" x 11" piece of paper. Using card stock and a picture printer will work best. Orienting both images onto the same page

What would work even better would be a printer that could make these poster size. If you have one, print me out some and I'll pay for shipping and ink (up to $50 worth of ink).

Hommonculus Space Baby: The Cartoon

2009-10-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

Based on an original story and song that I wrote a few years back, Hommonculus Space Baby is a classic tale of man's ingenuity and talent for inventing new technology leading to his ultimate bloody demise. Despite our communal fears of an asteroid collision, a new ice age, or nuclear Armageddon that will destroy our cursed planet, our real destruction will be much more innocuous. One of many new technologies designed to simplify one of mankind's constants irritations, who could know that it would go so disgustingly wrong? Life was not made to be simple.
Science will destroy us all!

*Not Safe For Work (unless you work someplace cool. no nudity, but some images of sex toys and references to the reproductive system. CK says Parental Discretion Advised, but I believe children need to know the truth. so gather your young ones around...it's apocalypse time.)

This Cartoon is animated and produced by Chuck Kamzelski. It is part of his cartoon series San Francisco Sundays While the Hommonculus Space Baby instructional music video does stand alone as a prophetic (and true) vision, that content is only amplified by the short film immediately following. Check out San Francisco Sundays Episode 1 and 2 on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/SanFranciscoSundays

An Uncommon Mirage: The Psychiatric Bedevilment of Susan Q

2009-10-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

Sixteen months ago, I received a strange request from a Professor Hans Urfel, former head of the psychology department at the University of Uppsala in Sweden and current operating Director of an elite institution for studying the mentally ill. Due to the nature of doctor-patient confidentiality, I was unable to publish any part of my involvement in the study until just recently hearing of the untimely death of the patient. As for the patient’s name, I was never truly informed and all documents I received in regards to this matter stated the name as “Susan Q”. This is, of course, a false name given to me since my role in this endeavor was that of a technical contractor and academic consultant.

See below a copy of the original letter sent to me by Dr. Urfel.

I replied to Dr. Urfel quite promptly, because he was quite right. I was in no position to refuse work. While the retainer was adequate, I felt I would need to push for a bit more money. He had approached me with an assumption of my cooperation. And while that assumption was correct, I disliked its implication of dominance.
My reply to Hans Urfel:

Dr. Urfel ended up accepting my wage increase request and I set to work making the audio and video for the hallucination of Susan Q. The images in her vision were this: images of a strange river where boys washed clothes, wordless images of men yelling silently, threatening images of bears and flames with some reference to the “Bear” sub-culture of homosexual men. Although these references were brief and subtle, according to Susan they were represented as textual images, as if reading from a book. Other parts of the sequence include stage circus acts featuring “Victor the Bear” and his trainers in one section, and an elephant routine involving a woman held in the mouth of the great beast while it stood on a stool.

It was these two animal performances that I recognized while reading the accounts recorded by the psychiatric staff at the institution. They were from the Ed Sullivan show and were in vivid Technicolor. The Ed Sullivan Show ran from 1948 to 1965 in black and white. After making the mandatory switch to color in 1965, the show only lasted six more years and was canceled after the 70-71 season. This rapid decline had much to do with the changing times. But for me, it was a deeper shift in the way we access memory. The defined and rigid entertainment of black and white depended upon the writing talent bred from the radio age, but color needed no ally. Color TV exploded into our communal consciousness and slashed wide, permanent marks in our memory. Black and white images became synonymous with nostalgia. But I digress from the story of Susan Q.

Susan Q’s hallucination had an intricate audio soundscape consisting of some hip-hop elements most likely lifted from that night at the pub. It also features some dissonant melodies that she was able to hum under hypnosis, which I have represented with electric guitar. Several bits of poetry also infiltrate the scene. The transcriptions for these pieces can be found following the video.

Unfortunately for all involved, my contribution did little to help the severely removed Susan Q.

Dr. Urfel’s attempt at confronting her with her hallucination had a distinctly opposite effect. If she were not allowed to spend an hour a day watching the remake of her hallucination, Susan Q refused to eat and would steer herself into the corners of rooms, spending all day with her face to the wall. Her condition worsened to the point of hospitalization whereupon she withered and passed, ultimately dying from complications of pneumonia.

Since her death releases me from my restrictions in publishing anything about my involvement in this matter, I now present to you the very short film I created for Dr. Hans Urfel. Interpretations may vary.

The Voices that Susan heard:

Overheard voice: “Last night, I had the strangest dream. It wasn’t until it was over that I realized my eyes were open the whole time.”

Overheard poem:
“I wonder could I bother you for a spot of marmalade
just shove it in me brain holes
‘til me vision starts to fade”

The rhymes in the dance beat sequence:
“Brothers spit with liquid fist
Crush memories with time
Imitate the hypnotist
And rule your tiny mind

Blister quick, my wicked tick
I push my ‘barrow slow
I’ve been toiling with the wind
Now it follows me where I go

I can cut it up in pills
I can bend it to my wills
I can make it simplified
Universally bona fide
Won’t you look into the eye?
My sign is rising..."

Original musical composition and vocal samples are created by me. Audio samples freely contributed from these freesound.org musicians: Zajo, Simon_Lacelle, dobroide, LS, nicStage, FreqMan, mrbubble110, sleep, walkerbelm, fathead74, alexbird, Andrew_Duke, sagetyrtle, BristolStories, djgriffin, Jace, propthis, and Matanael.

OBAMA vs KANYE: Berlin 1989

2009-09-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

Check it out. Audio track featuring off-the-record Obama in his assault against college dropout Kanye West. Enjoy the "video"
Feel the burn....

I made this kanye spoof image and this musical composition. But it wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for Kanye's moment of hubristic selflessness and Obama's off-the-record rebuke. The music is composed mostly of samples from freesound.org users: patchen (trickyhop beat), djgriffin (acidhouse bass), acclivity (cuckoo), sagetyrtle (bells2), and BristolStories (chimes).

Did you like my autotuning? It was fun and a pain to do for free. If you would like to know how to autotune for free, here we go. Download FL Studio 9 Demo for free. This is a good program, but won't let you export from the demo version. Even if it did, FL Studio does not come with the ability to autotune. Thats where freeware .dll plugin for audio editors GSnap comes in. Made by GVST, this plugin allows you to manipulate autotuning through the frame of a different editor. Unfortunately, it is not compatible with Audacity (claims to be) and I had trouble using it in free sound editor Wavosaur. Yet it worked like a charm on FL Studio 9.

If only I could actually export the sample I made without paying for the license. The main difficulty with trying to autotune is that most audio editors can only do part of what you want and many editors are incompatible with autotuning plugins. It ruined my evening for a couple hours, as I had all the other samples ready.

Here's the simple way. It's easy if you go back to basics. Apply the GSnap effect to the modifications given in this video by youtuber WizardRuru: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J3Hlih9dvI
Plug your computer into some decent speakers to play out your unexportable FL/Gsnap autotuning effect and set up a decent digital microphone at a small distance from the speakers. Or you could even use the headphone jack connected to an audio editor, but I used a digital mic. Ha. Record output effect in your usual program as a source audio and taa-daa. It even made the sound slightly more robotic.

kanye west, berserker hentai

2009-09-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

I've been working on some promotional images for the blog. The idea is to scatter them around the internet looking for new readers.
Here's the first, playing into the KanyeWest/TaylorSwift meme that's run wild since the 2009 Video Music Awards controversy. Important stuff.
A lot of similarly themed image collages featuring Kanye's hubristic moment of selflessness can be seen at http://kanyegate.tumblr.com/

the apocalypse popsicle contribution

this next one is somewhat inspired by the Love Among Freaks song Berserker, a song made famous by the film Clerks. but that's only half the idea...

if you haven't heard the song Berserker, you really should
here's a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miYMx59P_uM

Fun fact: Love Among Freaks are from New Jersey like me. Also, their drummer went on to play in the psychedelic metal band Monster Magnet. I saw Monster Magnet play at the Jersey shore and Kid Rock opened for them before he was "famous".
You will be quizzed on this material.

Invasion 1963

2009-09-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Did you know JFK was replaced by an alien from outerspace sometime in 1963? Part of an ill-fated exchange program with Venus, the alien-JFK impersonated our 35th President with great skill. It was this alien that suffered the murderous assassin's bullet that fateful afternoon in Dallas. With our young Catholic president seemingly deceased, the REAL John F Kennedy lives even today in exile on the sandy shores of Venus. His return to Earth would reveal the existence of extra-terrestrials. If this knowledge had been made public in '63, it would have unfortunately destroyed the Great Work that the Kennedy's and the Venutians had been building together for two decades.

Here, on this very video, you can hear the tale of the false-JFK's interstellar travel to earth and the aftermath that resulted from the assassination of the Venutian Ambassador. From the lips of alien-JFK's only living hybrid offspring, Ralph Kennedy, the tragic journey of Ralph's grandfather is told here for the first time.

I made this movie. The words and voice are mine. Any footage used here has the direct cultural purpose of subversion in that the images are meant to narrate visually an intent that is both similar yet distinct from the intent of the poem recited. That is to say, that the original intent of the footage has not been reproduced nor would the resulting montage ever have cause to replace demand for the original works that help compose my video.
Fair Use is at play.

Many thanks and credit is due to freesound.org musicians and audio adepts: james.brody for his bean belt shaker, ultratone for his circus-like mashed drum sample, suonho (thanks again) for his basscapes samples, Cyril_Laurier provided wind, jakeharries provided water sound, pryght and marvman for their bass lines, sagetyrtle and st4ngs for their laughter audio, and Andrew Duke for his roll effect.

Spoken word piece by me entitled
"In Southerly Places"

low in the tawny tendrilous grass does grow
a speckled mother of pearlescent shadow
upon the tilted dolled-up dreamcoat
on the river-worn weakened shore
where the ferrymen bedraggled and weathered
refuse to touch a clay orange hand
the shadowy man shakes a shadowy hand
if you be seeing me again
there won't be any wound to mend
and none that sparkles in the east
can lead these men across the plains
the sandy wind to catch in sails
holding mouths wide open to suck the bravado born breeze
to swiftly speed the journey dead
in southerly places,
they speak in codes

Did you know that JFK was replaced with an alien in 1963?
I did. That's why they shot him. Although the world was kept in the dark, he was an alien worth mourning. The public killing made it impossible for JFK to return to Earth, leaving him to spend the remainder of his days on the planet Venus....

A picture of Kennedy's kept woman; a Venutian/Human hybrid called "Claire"

An Introduction to Poetry

2009-09-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

Enclosed herein: a short tutorial for aspiring poets with sample metaphors and instructional tips

I made this movie. The words and voice are mine. Any footage used here has the direct cultural purpose of subversion in that the images are meant to narrate visually an intent that is both similar yet distinct from the intent of the poem recited. That is to say, that the original intent of the footage has not been reproduced nor would the resulting montage ever have cause to replace demand for the original works that help compose my video.
Fair Use is at play.

The audio samples used were created by freesound.org users: suonho (memory moon blaster effect), sleep (weird loop), patchen (drowning 83 drum loop). Thanks for making your work available. Aspiring hip hop artists and subversion novices should check out http://www.freesound.org/ and http://creativecommons.org/

Text version of An Introduction to Poetry:

alabaster
words like alligator
connected by sound to poetic image
let's be blunt about it
it's just like mom's homemade apple pie
to an orphan, the foreign flavor it is
of never had, yet lost, pleasure
re-experienced in a deja vu first impression
long lasting taste
the most confusing memory
the longer the grasping moment of disconnect
it is just reminiscent
it is only liquid tension
held in stasis by rubber band fences
remember
remember what to forget
the remembering to forget, yes yes
how salivating, the desire to suddenly punch
i'll give you now what will be memory
hidden obscurely, traveling where i cannot see
beneath skull and between ears
that absorb and contain selectively impressed notions
push it out your mouth now
bring it back
bite it into segments with your shiny, relevant teeth
i will eat it like a baby bird
you regurgitate my intent
i consume your interpretation.

Moon Landing Party Jam

2009-07-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

Another track from the April 17th 2003 Hooked on a Feeling show, the Moon Landing Party Jam focuses on the 1969 communication between NASA mission control center in Houston and the Apollo 11 moon landing team of Aldrin, Armstrong, and Collins. The other source audio is the "phone call" that President Nixon made to the astronauts. This presidential conversation was televised to millions around the world split-screen with footage of the moonwalk. The source recordings here represent the first inter-lunar communications ever recorded and they are far from clean. Every voice is over-modulated and the dialogue is puncuated by slightly piercing beeps. These beeps are there to let the earthlings know when the moonmen's transmission has finished and that they are ready for a response from earth.

The audio for most of this track is composed by the Justified Ancients of Mu Mu, original acid house samplers from the UK in the 80s. The Ancients were forced to remove many of their initial records from stores as this was prior to the existence of sampling laws for musicians. Drummond and Cauty of the JAMs went on to form the KLF, a popular psychedelic dance group fairly similar to the Ancients. The more prominent song featured here was one of their hits as the JAMs, Doctorin' the Tardis, a song that fits the interstellar theme quite well. Later, the K Foundation burned a million UK pounds for very little reason.

Four funky fresh fellas

MOON LANDING PARTY JAM

Moon Landing Party Jam - HOAF Tapes by slim

In 1969, the America was in the depths of the Cold War, struggling to come to terms with the Civil Rights Movement while the war in Vietnam raged on without a foreseeable end. It was a tense time for most Americans as the vision of 1950s wholesomeness grew tarnished and tired in the face of nuclear armageddon.

For a brief moment, the moon landing lifted that communal depression in America. As the masses watched from their living rooms, two men conquered the dreams of star-gazing children forever. Now that travel to the moon was a possibility, the dream had died. No longer could young boys and girls speculate about the skin-color of moonmen and whether or not the surface was indeed composed of swiss cheese. Snatching these colorful fantasies from the minds of children forever, Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong trampled on top of those youthful dreams of a craterous moonscape. Like conquistadors, they quickly defiled the soil and planted their flag.

*All music originally aired at non-profit station WCFM 91.9FM Massachusetts. As this material was originally broadcast with permission and the resulting audio is both transformative and unlikely to replace demand for the original artist's work, I am claiming the right to fair use.

EXTRA CREDIT ALERT
Little known fact: Nixon thought the astronauts had space cooties.

Here's an old song by me called "Equal Rights for Moonmen". It's an anti-war protest song I wrote back in the Bush administration.

Equal Rights for Moonmen - Slim Oliver

Eulogy for JFK in Two Movements: The HOAF Tapes

2009-07-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

From October 2002 until June 2003, I hosted a weekly radio show called "Hooked on a Feeling" on WCFM 91.9FM, Williamstown, Masssachusetts. It is a tiny college radio station broadcasting from within a valley in the Berkshire mountains. The peak of Mt. Greylock and the rest of them intercepted the transmission before it could reach beyond the valley. At max, the broadcast reached about six local town centers. Of course, the internet stream was up and running and I'm sure maybe three people listened to that as well. My show was on Thursday nights starting between 11pm and midnight.

With two turntables, two cd players, and a mixer in the middle of them, I began to mix spoken word tracks onto music in order to create sound collages. The plan was to create new musical documents that illuminated the popular culture associated through juxtaposition and the accompanying dissonant and synchronous moments. By manipulating the four sources in front of me, I created many mash-ups whose musical and intellectual intent has evolved from the source material. While much of the resulting material has political overtones, others are attempts at transcendent children's music. Some tracks even make the hubristic boast of approaching the level of "art".

Affectionately called the HOAF (hoof, or ho-af) Tapes, these tracks have languished for the past six years confined in their plastic prisons of magnetic tape. That ends now. Some of these tracks suffer from overmodulation on the source recording-I just consider it an artifact of the old machines available for use in the radio station. While I have made noble attempts at re-mastering, some of these artifacts will still be present.

Jack on the yacht; note his posture that shows his physical deformity and the illness he hid throughout most of his short life

Eulogy for JFK in 2 Movements - HOAF tapes by slim
THE EULOGY OF JFK IN TWO MOVEMENTS
This track is a fairly simple composition featuring the words of JFK and Moms Mabley and the music of the Sandpipers and John Williams, as well as other bits and bobs of audio. This track attempts to evoke the accessibility of the charismatic Kennedy and the chaos and confusion in this nation following his assassination.

*All music originally aired at non-profit station WCFM 91.9FM Massachusetts. As this material was originally broadcast with permission and the resulting audio is both transformative and unlikely to replace demand for the original artist's work, I am claiming the right to fair use.

EXTRA CREDIT ALERT

The potently mystical Shroud of Brookline

Also, this guy:

He is the Solomon Islander that saved JFK's life in WWII.
You can read about that over here:
When Jack Fell Off the Boat

Aphorism Thursday

2009-06-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

When participating in an orgy, it is best to know whose fingers are pushing what buttons--like in the cold war.

Apocalypse Parade miniature toys

2009-06-11T06:23:00.000-07:00

Hippo-Rider as painted by Leecifer. find more of his painting here: Lee's flickr

Originally, the Apocalypse Parade figures were meant to look like degraded sculptures of antiquity that were cast in the form of those cheap plastic toys that most of us have played with at one time or another. You are probably familiar with the type: cheap PVC or rubber animals sold as sets in drug store toy aisles. As opposed to purchasing the "farm" set or the "jungle" set or the "random assortment of dinosaurs that didn't live in the same geologic time period" set, my collection offers the option of playing with the end of the world. The Apocalypse Parade figures hope to intellectualize these ubiquitous toys of our youth as having a pseudo-religious and faux-archaeological value.

Wing'd Rhino & Bombardier Gorilla from the Black Gold Set

The Hippo-Rider, Wing'd Rhino, and Bombardier Gorilla were the first three figures in the set, and I think best exemplify the look of time-worn sculptures of centuries past. As I continued to make more figures to go with these first three, the themes inherent to the figures began to mutate as did the figures themselves. To me, the figures began to tell a story. The next two figures, Snailion and Conch-Elk, evolved from that story.

Hippo-Rider from the Black Gold Set

In my head, these resin miniatures became reproductions of "real" statues belonging to a lost culture that prophesied their end of days, wherein the Almighty would send an army of animals, angels, and mutants to retake the Earth from the tainted hands of humans. The ancient culture that created these "original" statues is largely undefined and the murkiness of this faux-history aids in the transformation of these toys from dollar-store-fodder to fictional lost artwork. The next set of Apocalypse Parade miniatures, when finished, should further expose this fictional lost culture and its doomsday prophesy.

Snailion and Conch-Elk from the Black Gold Set

The first set offered for public consumption is called the "Black Gold" Apocalypse Parade. It is cast in black plastic resin with gold paint accents and a lovely gloss. There are six sets of five figures each, with five of those sets being publicly available and one set remaining in my personal collection. Cost per set of five figures is $35 + $6 shipping in the US (international shipping is $10) payable by PayPal at noblemonkey@gmail.com. Feel free to contact me at this address if you are interested in a custom set.

All photos from the Black Gold Set were expertly taken by toy photographer extraordinaire, Kirkland Jue of Toybotstudios Blog
Check out his blog for amazing photos and news of Japanese toy culture and beyond. He's also a wizard behind the airbrush, so check out some of his custom toy painting too.

blueberry: a one act play

2009-06-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

characters:
Bert- thin, slightly balding male
Erny- plump male; Bert's roommate

Two men are sitting opposite each other at a small table. Upon the table sits a solitary slice of blueberry pie. The scene begins with both men staring at the slice of pie as if frozen in time. Behind them is a framed watercolor painting of a smiling woolly mammoth hanging next to a window that admits a faint amount of street light. The flowered wallpaper gives evidence of domesticity, recalling a 1950s kitchen.

Bert: Hey, Erny, you gonna eat that pie?

Erny: The thought had entered my mind. Yes, I am planning to partake in this sugary compote goodness wedged between two pieces of bread-like crust.

Bert: Well now, I am glad to see that you have an adequate ability in the description of all things pastry. You show much improvement from the days when I picked your soiled flesh up out of the gutter in Greenwich Village and landed you in a respectable area code. Now I ask you again, were you planning to devour that entire piece of scrumptious purple pleasure by yourself?

Erny: You see, dear Bert, that it is absolutely necessary for my person to ingest that piece of pie by myself. The doctor told me just the other day that it is essential to my health that I consume more starch, fruit, and sugary foods. So, obviously, this single item fulfills all three of his demands. I would gladly share a bit of it with you but the insurance company requires that I comply with all of the doctor's requests or they will no longer carry me.

Bert: They'll no longer carry you! I've been carrying your bulky weight around with my wallet for the past seventeen years. Who does your laundry? Pays your bills? Lies to your mother about your honest Baptist lifestyle? As far as your doctor's wishes, I think you consumed enough sugar last night with that layabout by the garbage cans outside of the deli. What was it? Six wine coolers and four whisky sours, I believe.

Erny: Wow, I think you might be right. That's exactly what I had. You must be pretty good at research, you know, being a stalker and all.

Bert (somewhat surprised): What are you talking about?

Erny: You think I don't know about the shrine you've built to Kirk Cameron up in the attic? Don't you think the police would like to know who's been making those obscene calls to Kirk's house sounding strangely like a Muppet?

Bert: But how did you know? I've never told anyone. I'm rather ashamed about the whole thing, actually.

Erny: While you were at work, I joined the neighborhood watch. They know everything.

Bert: How would they know anything?

Erny: Don't you think it's odd for a forty-five year old man to buy old back issues of Teen Beat and Tiger Beat at garage sales? And not just asking to buy them, but asking specifically for issues with Kirk Cameron and 21 Jump Street-era Johnny Depp on pages opposite each other. People remember these things.

Bert: I'm so ashamed.

Erny: Hey, it's all right. We've all got something twisted in our closets. Remember when I joined that cult that killed Jayne Mansfield? The next day I woke up strung out on goofballs with a bloody knife in my pocket. And do you know where I woke up? In Don Knott's guest room next to a certain drunk young blonde from Charlie's Angels.

Bert: Get out! You and Farrah?!

Erny: Yeah, you know, you just got to look back on these things and laugh.

Bert: I guess you're right. But anyway, about that piece of pie....

Erny: I already told you that my doctor says I need to consume more...

Bert: Would you please shut up? You orange-faced balloon, still buying your clothes in the Husky department aren't you? What happened to that miracle diet you'd been ranting about? I thought you said just one little pill and you would magically lose those extra pounds.

Erny: Well, I'd rather not talk about that particular remedy. Rather painful in the pocket book if you know what I mean.

Bert: Actually, I do not.

Erny: Well it turned out to be a tapeworm in that pill. Cost me a hefty price to have them pull that thing out of my intestines. Painful, too. You realize where they've got to pull it out from, don't you?

Bert: Disgusting.

Erny: Quite.

Bert: Well, let's say I go down to the corner store and pick up some vanilla ice cream. That way we can make pie a la mode. With each of us contributing to the whole, we can share equally.

Erny: Sounds fair.

Bert: All right then. I'm off.

Bert exits stage left to go to the store. Erny is left sitting alone, staring off into space as if daydreaming. Still looking off into space, he picks up the fork and takes a bite of the pie.

Erny: Mmmm, blueberry.....

Uberboy Performance Artwear---SALE of old stock!

2009-05-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the uberboy. I don't know where the "umlaut" is found on my keyboard and I never bothered to look. Still that didn't stop me from creating a folk-art t-shirt label and imaginary brand identity that identified strongly with the elusivity of the umlaut.

The concept of the uberboy, originally composed in text as (uberboy), is a bit of a mock on Nietzsche's ubermensch and its superhero foil, Superman. Philosophically, the (uberboy) is a young man whose belief system is based in the effort to better ones' self through achieving amazing, non-generic thoughts and an intrinsic sensitivity to the world that surrounds him. By focusing on the overlapping mapping of individuals' conceptual universes and their interactions, the (uberboy) attempts to both identify the unity while emphasizing his singularity. As a superhero, the (uberboy) is the consummate psychedelic boy scout. What's that I see? A girl on shrooms about to be date-raped by a frat boy on ecstasy? Swoop! (uberboy) defends the weak of mind from those that would prey upon them!

So, I made a t-shirt with "(uberboy)" on it. Painted with stencils and black fabric paint on a white t-shirt, I began wearing this shirt regularly around campus around spring of 2000. I eventually came up with what I feel was the (uberboy)'s catchphrase, "There's Nothing Freer Than a Dead Dolphin." I feel this statement expresses a whole lot of post-post-modern intellectualism and disgust, while also being devilishly appealing to those with a delightfully embittered sense of humor. I made that into a t-shirt too and painted "(uberboy)" on the back at the top of the collar. This was a beginning of the t-shirt phase of (uberboy).

The shirts were meant to act like a walking billboard for disturbing but well-phrased snippets of thought. I think the next shirt slogans that I came up with were: "Hump My Heart", "You Inspire Bile", "Bad Mojo, Good Karma", "Don't Expect the Bible to Accurately Quote the Devil", and the ever-so-ironic "Only Rock N' Roll Can Defeat Capitalism". All of them had the (uberboy) tag on the back. Eventually people started asking me for them and I began hand-painting them to order. A few people own about a dozen of them each, but I'd say in total I've probably sold between 200-300 hand-painted shirts since fall of 2000.

I've really slowed to a halt on production of these shirts.
The uberboy.com website is mostly defunct although you can find an unedited list of slogans that were available as well as several great .mp3s from my old college radio show which are all mash-ups I mixed live while broadcasting.

So I was going through my old stock of shirts that I have already made and figured I would put them up for sale here on the ninternet. Shirts are $14 shipped in the US or $20 for two, payment by paypal or in person.

Four Large Pink "Big Brother is Watching you Masturbate"
Three Large Pink "You Inspire Bile"
One Medium Light Pink "Bad Mojo, Good Karma"
One Medium Light Blue "High Maintenance Person..." the only one ever made of this slogan.

1 Med Navy "You Inspire Bile"
1 Small White "Character Assasin"
1 Small Light Blue "This is a Stick Up"
1 Small Red "Bunnies, Sheep, Squirrels...The New Class Struggle"
1 Child's 10/12 "Baby No Name" is a good fit for some girls, but as Morrissey can tell you, some girls are bigger than others.

Fancy Ladies' Shirts
1 Large Orange "Nothing Freer.."
1 Medium Green "Nothing Freer..."
1 Small Orange "My Mom's A Riot"
1 Extra-Small Orange "My Mom's A Riot"
1 Large Blue "Bunnies, Sheep, Squirrels..."
1 Small Black "Gun-bunny Logo"

The backs of "bunnies, sheeps..." and "Big brother is watching.."

Real Juicy Couture "Original Satire" Hoodie, size small: $45 shipped in the US

email me at noblemonkey@gmail.com if you are interested in a shirt. That's 1 for $14 or 2 for $20 including shipping in the US.

True Story of the Pokemon Empire Spoken Word

2009-05-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

I have constructed an audible version of the piece in text two posts below. There are some samples you may recognize if you were born between 1976 and 1988. Please enjoy. If you do not enjoy, leave a negative comment.

True Story of the Pokemon Empire - Stephen F Oliver

How To Noodle

2009-05-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

If you are not familiar with the extreme sport of Noodling, which was made infamous by Bradley Beesley's 2001 film Okie Noodling, then perhaps you should wander over to the Wiki page on the subject found here Noodling

For those that are familiar with the sport and those that are not, I offer up this brief musical tutorial for children that instructs the listener in the finer details of Noodling.
The beginning of this piece contains a tangential conversation between myself and Evan Chadwick, a man of much distinction. That conversation concerns the Giant Chinese Salamander, so while not strictly about Noodling still provides a dainty aquatic segue. Gather the young'uns together and lend an ear.
Enjoy!

How to Noodle (giant salamander intro) - Slim Oliver

The True Story of the Pokemon Empire

2009-05-05T06:11:00.001-07:00

The realm of children’s entertainment has always been suspect of willful subversion. Animated cartoons in America are largely written by drug-addled ad-men in order to sling product to eager young minds freshly abuzz from the infusion of sugar provided during after-school “snack time.” In my youth, the oats and grains conglomerates worked in open partnership with the big three network television stations to provide a competitive marketplace selling ad space to a captive child audience for four hours every Saturday morning. We sat attentively, shoveling sugar cereal into our gaping maws as anthropomorphic animals in t-shirts flew in cars and tricked the park ranger with our tacit approval. Sadly, upon checking the television one recent Saturday morning, this partnership seems to have been dissolved. A wasteland of paid programming and Golf tour footage litter that which was once a mighty refuge of childhood delight. But where network television now lacks, cable television persists in its efforts to sell your young son or daughter some useless piece of plastic junk that lights up and makes music. From Spongebob to Morphin Rangers, none of today’s most popular programming can compete with the might of the new Mickey Mouse from the land of the rising sun, Pikachu. With lightning bolts and rosy cheeks, Nintendo, the video game juggernaut of the 1980’s and 90’s, has successfully transformed their Pokemon property from a platform on their handheld Gameboy into a multi-media phenomenon that has transfixed children worldwide.

The marketing division of the Nintendo Corporation has tirelessly cannibalized its own material creating a variety of new video games, a role-playing card game, manga comic books, and sundry other Pokemon-themed literature (ex: Pokemon Chapter books #8, Return of the Squirtle Squad). All of this was birthed by Satoshi Tajiri’s original video game that introduced 151 species of beasts with special abilities that could be tamed, befriended, and coached to engage in one-on-one battles against other creature-human teams. Flight, hypnosis, manipulation of the elements, and immense physical strength are but a few of the possible traits a Pokemon might possess. The battle-friendly angle appealed greatly to young boys, but it is the irresistibly cute, wide-eyed manga vulnerability that has sold thousands of stuffed animals to both boys and girls alike. As the popularity of the Pokemon franchise has grown, its number of species has increased to a total of 493 uniquely attributed battle-beasts released incrementally over four “generations” of multi-media programming.

American children (and those around the world) were enthralled instantaneously and have remained so in thrall for over a decade. The stars of Pokemon cartoons are all children with their own amazing creatures that obey their commands. Acting upon the parentally neglected dream of puppy ownership, the young child sublimates this desire by embracing the world of Pokemon. That pet store window-shopper envy as veiled through the collectible and attainable universe of Pokemon can be appeased through immersion into the game, the characters, and the morality inherent to it (there are no bad Pokemon, only evil Pokemon trainers). The underserved always witness their enemy's comeuppance in the Pokemon plotlines. This accesses the psychological need for protection that young children experience while attempting to navigate the trials and tribulations of the playground during recess hour. A magically endowed beast that is loyal to kind and gentle children would be the ultimate bodyguard against bullies, teachers, and the neighbor’s German shepherd. Protection and companionship is combined with the coolness of super-abilities all packaged in an ultra-cute animal that possesses the speech qualities of a baby able to just barely squeak out its own name.

It’s a childhood fantasy in which young boys and girls retreat to a land of stories and adventure filled with possibilities and successes. But with the advent and growth of genetic engineering and genome mapping, is the reality of species-unique exotic pets so very far away? They would have to be created as sterile specimens, of course, in order to protect the native bio-diversity of mother earth, but it is a small concern in any event. The rest is just like breeding guppies: take the traits you want from your mixes and combine them, culling the ugly and misshapen experiments. Genetically modified creatures mixed from various natural species would be infused with modern technology in order to create the extra-ordinary abilities described in the lore of Pokemon. Cybernetic voice boxes, surgically implanted at the neck, could transform any vocal utterance that animal makes into its Pokemon name as recorded by a cute Japanese voice actress. If it were possible, wouldn’t you want one?

This possibility is a reachable dream. Foreign geneticists have been working diligently on these types of creations for the last decade. Unfortunately for the US, the eight-year freeze on stem-cell research seen under the Bush Administration puts America at a unique intellectual disadvantage in the coming decades. Our top geneticists have already been lured away to private medical corporations in Germany and Japan, which will leave the world’s biggest superpower vulnerable to the loss of its title. While the Germans have taken a simplistic approach and seem to be breeding over-sized, all-terrain cattle with both edible and wartime capabilities, the Japanese government has taken its cue from the marketing team at Nintendo and begun the scientific groundwork necessary for creating a diverse menagerie of bio-engineered, human-compatible creatures.

Japanese state scientists in league with the engineers at Nintendo are presently conducting genetic experiments, attempting to re-create both the appearance and abilities of fictional Pokemon species in the flesh. No cybernetic voice box will be necessary, as enough human genes for rudimentary speech are spliced into every new monstrosity created in the lab. Domestic dog genes are another staple ingredient in the genetic recipe, ensuring a loyal and obedient demeanor which has been consistently bred into canines for centuries. A mélange of other species’ traits are mixed and matched frequently. Snake eyes and batwings on the back of a dolphin and other things like this are attempted on a daily basis. Staying true to its origins, each creature possesses a calculated amount of genetic chaos controlled by infinitesimally small nanotechnology that allows the creature to mutate into an “evolved” form. The nanites in the blood act as genetic stabilizers, a framework on top of which the architecture of the genes drapes itself. At moments of extreme physical strain nearing death the nanites scatter, leaving the genes momentarily without form. As quickly as they disperse, the nanotechnology will re-activate, the animal’s form will change to affect the re-organization of its already muddled DNA. In the event that the resulting creature is unable to survive in a battle situation or is considered just too ugly to be allowed to live, it is promptly culled. It is a dark truth that many “evolved” genetic creatures die from a result of this planned inconsistency.

The Japanese are close to perfecting their science and when they do, what will emerge is nothing less than a new system of world citizenship. Once they have perfected the first 151 species from the original generation of Pokemon monsters, they will begin to auction them off in exchange for national loyalty to the state of Japan. In exchange for transferring your citizenship to the land of the rising sun, you will receive an ironclad contract that grants you the rights to your very own genetically modified battle-beast. Whether you enter the newly formed fight leagues in order to gain fame and fortune or whether you choose a more domestic existence with your semi-conscious, lightning-powered rat creature is up to your discretion. The Japanese government will reward you for your loyalty by promptly replacing an expired creature no questions asked. So feel free to be irresponsible and disgusting, as it couldn’t possibly be a crime against god or remotely considered abuse.

At first, the demand will exceed the supply and Japan’s shores will be engorged with immigrants. As foreign nations begin to lose their industry along with their populace, a new international landscape will evolve. It will no longer be necessary to live in Japan in order to be a citizen and receive your very own Snorlax. Nations will relax their restrictions to allow their former citizens to still reside in their native countries so long as they pay property and income taxes. Federal taxes will be collected by the Japanese and those ex-patriots still living in their abandoned states will suffer increased tolls on federal highways and increased ticket prices at national parks. This system of transient citizenship will have a great effect on the global political community. Heads of state will be lured away to foreign lands by competitive contracts, as constituents are traded as assets to aspiring nation-states from the Japanese surplus. It will resemble closely the system that is present in American professional basketball. Nations will be forced to advertise for new citizens, creating free market competition that will allow the individual to choose the best set of rights, privileges and restrictions for him and his family. Totalitarian utopias will abound in many colors, and you will be able to freely choose between them and Japan.

Japanese dominance will be overly apparent once all is played out. This superiority will stem from its creation of this system. While other nations will have suffered from their loss of citizens, Japan will have prospered in the interim. By the time the rest of the world has adapted and begun its aggressive marketing for new citizenship, there will be no catching up to Japan. Still, its monopoly on the new commodity of genetically created companion animals will eventually disappear, leaving an internationally competitive market in its wake. Trade secrets cannot be held long in the scientific community. This will briefly destabilize the newly defined order. Germany’s mecha-organic Bovines of Despair will make a wasteland of Northern Europe as Japanese geneticists work tirelessly at developing a countermeasure from the genes of fossilized dinosaurs. Once this is successfully accomplished by crossing raptor genes with those of a lemur (making for an extremely acrobatic killing machine with opposable thumbs) things will settle down a bit. War will be replaced by huge battle beast tournaments held between chiefs of state in order to settle border disputes and negotiate treaties. A new League of Nations will be formed in order to officiate these spectacles. Nations will reveal potent and deadly beasts at expositions in order to flaunt the strength of their genetic creations and effectively keep the peace in much the same way nuclear deterrence has for the last sixty years.